I began our break thinking: This is about giving him time to see if he can commit to me, and that maybe we need this because we need to do something different. Haven't we spent enough time thinking, talking, waiting? Maybe action is what we need. After all, it's been a year since he first got here.
Then my thoughts became: Oh god, three months is a long time. What if he finds someone new? What if he was right and this really is the end? despite my natural optimism that if we're really meant to be, if we're really as good for each other as I think we are, it will work out and we WILL be together.
Which led to: I miss him. I don't want to do this. I can't do this for three months. This sucks, and I can't think of anything else except for him and how I'm not going to have any of those moments with him for a long time.
After emails of articles that I probably shouldn't have sent, for the simple reason that I had to question my intentions for doing so (something which he later called me on), and him contacting me online after days spent hoping/dreading that I would see him, I sent out an SOS to my friend Vandy.
Talking with her finally made me realize that this break is really about him and completely changed my perspective about it. I am finally okay with giving him space because I'm seeing him like a friend for the first time. I really do care about him, maybe even love him, but because of that I can let him go, for his own good.
I've underestimated how much living in Japan has taken its toll on him. All of my efforts have served to do the opposite of what I intended. I know that he hasn't wanted to treat me like a crutch, he is really independent and for all that I offer to help, it doesn't. Because that's not what he needs.
He just needs to know that I'm here for him if he needs me, but not to press it on him. That was what he meant about wanting me to sit there, or hold him and not say anything. All of his energy has gone into dealing with Japan, and he doesn't have anything left for me, which is why he hasn't been able to give me more, why he thinks that he CAN'T give me more.
I've realized that this all has more to do with him and Japan and not me, not us. It's not US that's the problem: it's US in JAPAN. He's tried to tell me that, but I haven't been able to understand, or maybe I've just thought that he hasn't had the balls to tell me he doesn't really want to be with me, that he's just been using Japan as an excuse.
Which is why, I've come to the point that even if he doesn't want to be with me in three months, if he really can't, I'm all right with that. I want him to be happy, I want to give him the time and the space to really develop a life here, one that he's happy with, one that doesn't frustrate him because he feels more like a child and instead of an adult.
Maybe that's the resentment that I've been sensing. It's resentment, as if my help is more like condescension. Vandy said that maybe we both need to learn from one another, to learn how to deal with solving problems in a different way, and that maybe he needs to learn a little from me about talking about them, and I need to learn a little from him about being more patient.
So on that note, I think I'm ready. Ready to wait, to REALLY wait for him, because I think he's worth it. I just hope that he realizes that he is too.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
America’s Angry Inch: Retroactive Post
Prompted by my visit to Chika's home in Tsushima for the first time this weekend, I had a revelation about yet another difference between Japanese and American culture. It started like this (it started like that, it started with a wiffle ball bat, so....no, j/k).
Actually, Chika first showed me her short films from when she was in the US. It's really inspiring to see a friend sharing their talent with you. I hope to see more of her work someday, when she gets back to it. One in particular stuck with me: her final film titled 'the diary'. It was about a boy whom you're led to think is crazy since he believes in a Pink-cloud Monster and an ominous Black Cloud that takes away his love. In the end however, he takes control of his life and decides that it is what he wants it to be, that he is the person that he chooses to be and is re-united with his beloved.
After this, Chika put on Hedwig and the Angry Inch, a movie that I've seen parts of when I was younger and that I've known about since childhood, but haven't ever watched. It was surprisingly one of the most entertaining movies I've seen in a while. Basically, it's about an East German tansgender rock star and her trials in love.
Later in the evening, we got back from the Tsushima matsuri and headed to Tsutaya for a couple of movies. While trying to choose movies, we got into discussing why Japanese peoples' taste in movies differs so greatly from American tastes. Chika said that most Japanese people don't understand her movies because they're very 'American'. I tried to figure out what that meant...I knew that they were different, but in what ways exactly?
I think that it has to do with identity. American movies focus on so many different '-isms': sexism, racism, classism, etc...Why is that? Because we seek to define ourselves. Hedwig was a perfect example of this. As individuals we plumb what we are not, in order to find what we are. I think that this is inextricably connected to our identity as Americans. We don't have one. We have many. We're allowed to have many. This is one of America's greatest strengths, but this is also why we have so much uncertainty in our lives. We don't know what we're supposed to be, because society tells us we can be anything, that we are everything.
Japanese movies on the other hand, and most Asian movies, tend to be very sentimental, full of drama and emotions and love, etc...Something most Americans find a bit overdone, but which makes sense when you think about how they lack this need to define themselves. Eastern countries have such an extended history, a history that provides so many rules about what people should do and how they should behave. It's something that you have to be here to really experience how fundamental this is to its citizens. Japanese people are JAPANESE. This embodies many things, and I don't mean to say that there aren't some black sheep in the bunch, but when it comes down to it, if you're Japanese, that's what you are. It permeates your individual identity so thoroughly, it doesn't really occur to them that it could be different.
This unconscious awareness is something we sorely lack as Americans. Our nation is so young, by international standards, and we're not a mono-culture. We pride and prize our pluralism, our multi-culturalism, our salad bowl of a country. That's one thing I've learned after living abroad for so long: neither is right or wrong, better or worse, they're simply just...different.
Actually, Chika first showed me her short films from when she was in the US. It's really inspiring to see a friend sharing their talent with you. I hope to see more of her work someday, when she gets back to it. One in particular stuck with me: her final film titled 'the diary'. It was about a boy whom you're led to think is crazy since he believes in a Pink-cloud Monster and an ominous Black Cloud that takes away his love. In the end however, he takes control of his life and decides that it is what he wants it to be, that he is the person that he chooses to be and is re-united with his beloved.
After this, Chika put on Hedwig and the Angry Inch, a movie that I've seen parts of when I was younger and that I've known about since childhood, but haven't ever watched. It was surprisingly one of the most entertaining movies I've seen in a while. Basically, it's about an East German tansgender rock star and her trials in love.
Later in the evening, we got back from the Tsushima matsuri and headed to Tsutaya for a couple of movies. While trying to choose movies, we got into discussing why Japanese peoples' taste in movies differs so greatly from American tastes. Chika said that most Japanese people don't understand her movies because they're very 'American'. I tried to figure out what that meant...I knew that they were different, but in what ways exactly?
I think that it has to do with identity. American movies focus on so many different '-isms': sexism, racism, classism, etc...Why is that? Because we seek to define ourselves. Hedwig was a perfect example of this. As individuals we plumb what we are not, in order to find what we are. I think that this is inextricably connected to our identity as Americans. We don't have one. We have many. We're allowed to have many. This is one of America's greatest strengths, but this is also why we have so much uncertainty in our lives. We don't know what we're supposed to be, because society tells us we can be anything, that we are everything.
Japanese movies on the other hand, and most Asian movies, tend to be very sentimental, full of drama and emotions and love, etc...Something most Americans find a bit overdone, but which makes sense when you think about how they lack this need to define themselves. Eastern countries have such an extended history, a history that provides so many rules about what people should do and how they should behave. It's something that you have to be here to really experience how fundamental this is to its citizens. Japanese people are JAPANESE. This embodies many things, and I don't mean to say that there aren't some black sheep in the bunch, but when it comes down to it, if you're Japanese, that's what you are. It permeates your individual identity so thoroughly, it doesn't really occur to them that it could be different.
This unconscious awareness is something we sorely lack as Americans. Our nation is so young, by international standards, and we're not a mono-culture. We pride and prize our pluralism, our multi-culturalism, our salad bowl of a country. That's one thing I've learned after living abroad for so long: neither is right or wrong, better or worse, they're simply just...different.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
