Something to be said for the little things

Funny how little things can change your mood so thoroughly.

I woke up @10:30 after going to bed @6am that morning, dreading the planning I'd need to do for 25HR's final exam as well as English summer camp prep and finally grading the journal entries for my regular ninensei students. My mood was not helped by feeling guilty and ill-prepared for my violin lesson that afternoon, since I hadn't practiced at all the past week, and my intention to hang out my laundry was foiled by the rain that comes on like tap water in the summer months.

However, I was determined to get some practice in and to do my best during my lesson so that my teacher wasn't so disappointed in me. Somehow though, things quickly turned around. At first, I told her that I was having trouble with stacatto, a method of applying pressure on the bow at the beginning of the bowstroke and then releasing it for the remainder of the stroke. She observed, pointed out that I was putting too much pressure and corrected my technique. I quickly got the hang of it and she praised me, saying, Wow, you must've practiced a lot! (^_^;) but still, it was good. Then she showed me the new measure (my homework for the week) to develop rhythm and let me try it out. I tried to mimic her and again quickly got the hang of it, which prompted her to praise me for being a quick study! So we left it at that, once again feeling like, I CAN do this, all I need is practice and I'll be able to play.

After that, I headed back down to the basement of Parco to buy a couple snack items, since something in the deli caught my eye as I was walking to the elevator on the way to my lesson. At first, I saw that what had originally looked tasty was really just a Japanese-style beef stew, but I spied some marinated olives that I thought would be a yummy snack either tonight or tomorrow for lunch. I intended a quick walk-through just to see what else they had in the way of foreign foods since I'm well-versed in what Kaldi at the station has in stock.

I was pleasantly surprised to find white balsamic vinegar and herbes des Provençe vinegar and went back for a basket when I realized I might need one...It kind of went downhill from there, but in a good way. A very good way. I picked up some truffle oil and truffle pate, and then found the cheese corner where they were having a small sale. The cheese lady offered me a taste of one of the cheeses when she saw that I was scoping it out. It was good, but a bit like cream cheese with herbs (suitable for the Japanese palate since they don't like strong cheeses), but a bit weak for me. I continued to look some more and she kept offering me samples of them. I finally gathered the courage to ask her which one might be good with the Chablis I bought the other night, and she tried to help me. I'm not sure that she was that knowledgeable about cheese-wine pairings, but she was still really nice and friendly so I bought some cheese and said that I'd probably stop by again in the future.

After that, I was going to call it quits when I thought I glimpsed red globes of radishes in the produce aisle. Radishes, thanks to the French and blog writers, have become my new addiction, and I only had three left in my fridge, so I thought I'd pick some up. Again, it turned out that my far-sight was wrong and they were only cherry tomatoes, BUT above them was a GIANT zucchini and a more normal-sized summer squash. I had to have both. I rounded off my impromptu grocery shopping with a super-long baguette (a real one, not one of the Italian loafs that they pass off for them in my normal grocery store) from the bakery and left for the eki. It was then that I realized, many girls tend to medicate themselves with retail therapy after feeling down, and that while I do like to shop, for me buying good, quality food trumps all the stylish clothes in the world.



The icing on the cake was that, as I got to the station, I got a peep at the outside sky and whereas I had gone into Parco amidst grey clouds cloaking everything in their perpetual dreariness and threatening to drop more moisture from the air, the skies had almost magically turned clear and bright blue. Absolutely lovely, and suited my lifted spirits.

The End...

Unfortunately, no happily ever after involved.

I finally did it. Or I guess we finally did. What you may ask? The other big milestone in a relationship, after the L-word and the engagement leading to that happily-ever-after: the breakup.

It happened a few weeks ago. It was pretty good as far as those things go: no recriminations, no bad feelings. We simply realized that we weren't getting what we needed from one another and that if we were to stay in it longer, the good will we had for each other would deteriorate into frustration and resentment, if not worse.

So, we ended on a good note, and we're still 'friends'. Though I am relieved that one of the benefits of having a long-distance relationship is that now, we won't accidentally run into one another on the street. As things stand, we don't have plans to see one another until August for a concert.

I've broken down a few times, but usually I'm fine. I don't know if it's because I'm blocking it out, living in denial because I don't have to deal with it. I don't have to see him. I've definitely been acting out afterward, but in a much healthier way than I used to previously. No making out with random boys, just starting violin lessons and going to badminton every week.

I still have feelings for him, but I know that it would be pointless to try to get back together, at least not while the situation remains the same: living hours and prefectures apart. Who knows what might happen in the future? Maybe we'll end up living together in France, maybe we'll end up together after all. But it's a future I'm not holding my breath for. Rather, I take one breath after another with each subsequent day helping to heal my bruised, but not broken heart.

Gadgets, Guzen and Good Eats

Gadgets:
Today I went to Shiz after work to find out about getting an iPhone. I've been thinking about it for ages, but never has the incentive been greater to switch from Docomo to Softbank. Travis and Pin both have Softbank and they have a White Plan which allows free calls to between members before 9pm, a rarity in Japan, so it would already be worth it for me. Now however, they just began a campaign where it's free with a two-year contract.

I told Travis and he gave me a scare when it seemed like he would get one before me, which pushed me past my anxiety about talking to them in Japanese. It was easier than I expected and they were surprisingly friendly and not pushy about getting me to stay with Docomo. When I said I wanted to switch to Softbank, the customer service rep nodded knowingly and guessed, iPhone?

All I needed was to show them my gaijin card, they typed some info in, and printed off a slip of paper for me to show Softbank. Turns out, I could keep the same number though I do have to change emails, and I could continue to use my phone until I got my new contract set up. Pretty sweet.

I went to Softbank, but it was a bust b/c I didn't have my gaijin card and bank passbook AND passport AND hanko (personal seal). So I've got to go back when I have all of that with me, but it doesn't seem too difficult.

Guzen:
I didn't go alone though. I had company, Chaz aka @GuzenMediaJapan on Twitter. It was funny how I met him. He was a first for me. We began following one another on Twitter because we were both Shizuoka ALTs and had messaged a bit, but nothing significant.

Then last November, while I was attending a skit contest at a nearby university, one of the ALTs there that I didn't recognize came up to me and asked, "Hey, do you teach in Kambara?" "Uh, yes..." "Are you on Twitter?" Again, "Uh, yes..." "Oh, I'm Chaz! Guzen?" "Oh, hi! Nice to finally meet you in person!" All the while thinking, Wow my first real-life Twitter meet-up. This is kinda cool. And really nerdy.

Anyway, after that, we had exchanged keitai emails and messaged a bit more frequently, but still nothing too big. Today though, none of my usual Zu (Shimizu) Crew could meet up for dinner, and on a whim, I asked him if he was free this evening. He was, so we met up and got acquainted in person.

Good Eats:
Stacey ended up opting out of soccer so she caught up with us at the Thai restaurant (the REAL Thai place). At first, I didn't know what to tell her about Chaz, or what he'd be like, but we all ended up having a good time. Apparently he was friends with a bunch of Filipinos back in VA, and LOVES Hawaii so we had those two things in common with him. Plus, he regaled us with stories from his 13 years of teaching in Japan, another shared bond. It was impressive to see how confident he is in himself and his goals as an English teacher. Maybe if I stayed another 10 years, I might be a bit like that. Not much to say about dinner despite the title though, other than it was excellent as always and now I'm nearly unpleasantly full.

The one thing I realized after the evening though: I've been spending a lot of time with the same people, the same friends. Not that I don't love them, or hanging out with them or Travis, but for the last 2 months, I've ONLY been out with them. I haven't really seen my other friends. Not other ALTs, not my J-friends. I've got to fix that. So maybe the last G in my title should be 'Goals' instead.

Bonne Anniversaire...

...to me. Haha, no to Japan.

I was looking through some of my old blog posts a couple of nights ago when I saw the one titled 'Sayonara Seattle.' I got a bit of a shock when I looked at the post date: March 3, 2006. Three years ago to the day. I wrote it while sitting on the plane to Nagoya.

It was the first time I'd flown abroad since my family immigrated to the US, and only my second time flying alone. I was anxious and excited and a bit worried, but I didn't need to be. I fell in love with the city and the country. Obviously, it's why I find myself still here 3 years later.

It's a strange thing though, recalling that time. Before I came to Japan, it was as if it didn't exist. It was simply a name, a series of images and sounds. Obviously I know it existed, but it was as if it wasn't a real place (for me) until I touched down. Now, it's real in a very tangible way and I find myself looking forward to all those countries I want to visit/live in in the future. All of those visions waiting to be realized.

So, a toast:
To dreaming...

The Plague and the Aftermath

So yesterday, I felt like I was dying at school. Or rather, I described it as going through everything associated with a hangover, without the benefit of having gotten drunk the night before. I got cheated. I came home as soon as possible from work, took a bath and lay in bed for most of the evening.

My phone went off around 7pm and I was surprised when I saw my parents' number come up on Caller ID. I was even more surprised when the first words out of my mother's mouth were, "Sarah, are you okay?" I thought, Do I sound that bad? How did she know I felt like crap? and blurted out, "No, I'm feeling kinda sick," before I knew it.

Apparently though, it was less a testament to my mother's observational skills as it was to her superstitious-ness. She had had a dream with me in it and was worried, so she wanted to check in and make sure I was all right. Normally, I'd kind of make fun of her for that kind of thing, but just earlier in the day, I had been thinking about how it'd be nice if someone was at home to take care of me. I'll admit it, I wished I had my mom around.

So, we had probably one of the best talks in my life: frank, unconfrontational, caring. It was a surprising. I spent the rest of the evening feeling much better.

God, what do you write?

I've been slowly preparing myself to say goodbye to my san-nensei in the last month. I think I've been doing all right. I even told Travis last night when we were on the phone talking about it that I was feeling better about it because I was certain that I would still keep in touch with my some of my students after they graduated. Getting a chance to talk to and hang out with my students that graduated last year in recent days has been helping.

But I pointed out that it was still not the same as getting to see them every day. Pretty soon their hallway will be filled with different students and the transfer will be complete.

And now, this morning, the teacher in charge of sado-bu (tea ceremony club) gave me the stuffed animals that were to be their graduation present and asked me to write a message on them. She told me I had until the end of 3rd period.

It's more than half-way through 1st right now, and I haven't gotten any farther than writing their nickname on the first doll. Anyone who's met me, or reads this blog for that matter knows that I'm rather verbose, but today, I feel speechless. I don't know what to say to them.

I don't know how to say goodbye.

I thought I'd gotten better at it after 2 and a half years. I thought that I'd know the right things to say, to write when the time came.

I don't.

Do I try to be funny and light-hearted? Serious and inspiring? Sweet and nostalgic? What memory do I leave them with, after all the memories they've given to me?

Missing You

Pin likes to tease me about growing up in Seattle and wonders how I'm still alive, because "doesn't everyone kill themselves in the winter?" This year, I spend most of my time with friends from the warm, sunny places of the US: California, Florida, Hawaii. It was with not unreasonable envy that I looked over their photos from Christmas break and saw sunny, clear blue skies, while I sat stuck indoors because of a foot or more of snow. But that was freak cold weather, at least for Seattle.

The last few weeks though have presented me with the cold, gray, overcast/rainy days that I come to expect from the winter season. The days I was familiar with. The ones of my childhood.

Today was another such day. It assailed me with an overpowering sense of homesickness. Or maybe not homesickness as much as Pat-sickness. I was looking through my photos and I saw some from Christmas '07 and then ones from this past Christmas. I can't believe how quickly the time between them passed. All those missed months, moments, memories...

I know that it's my choice to stay out here, and that it will continue to remain my choice to stay away, but sometimes it sucks. It sucks that my best friend is half the world away and that I talk to him infrequently at best. It sucks that he isn't here to see all the things that make up my life in Japan, or meet the people that populate it. That we can't go out for a cup of coffee or a drink as our ritual and share our troubles with life and love.

But, ever-the-optimist, I search for the silver lining, no matter how elusive it is, especially in clouds as slate-grey as the ones outside. I have hope that our friendship is stronger than the accumulated experiences we share; that we remain connected despite the distance; that we are more than the sum of our parts.

I guess that's the answer to Pin's question. What else would it be but Hope?