God, what do you write?

I've been slowly preparing myself to say goodbye to my san-nensei in the last month. I think I've been doing all right. I even told Travis last night when we were on the phone talking about it that I was feeling better about it because I was certain that I would still keep in touch with my some of my students after they graduated. Getting a chance to talk to and hang out with my students that graduated last year in recent days has been helping.

But I pointed out that it was still not the same as getting to see them every day. Pretty soon their hallway will be filled with different students and the transfer will be complete.

And now, this morning, the teacher in charge of sado-bu (tea ceremony club) gave me the stuffed animals that were to be their graduation present and asked me to write a message on them. She told me I had until the end of 3rd period.

It's more than half-way through 1st right now, and I haven't gotten any farther than writing their nickname on the first doll. Anyone who's met me, or reads this blog for that matter knows that I'm rather verbose, but today, I feel speechless. I don't know what to say to them.

I don't know how to say goodbye.

I thought I'd gotten better at it after 2 and a half years. I thought that I'd know the right things to say, to write when the time came.

I don't.

Do I try to be funny and light-hearted? Serious and inspiring? Sweet and nostalgic? What memory do I leave them with, after all the memories they've given to me?

Tense

The mood in the school, seemingly normal and status quo, tightens perceptibly as I speak to the the san-nensei. While the rest of the students seem to be relaxing as they hit the home stretch of their first and second years at Ihara, the third years (and their teachers) are dissolving into a ball of nerves and tension over their fates and futures. The talks with their homeroom teachers become more frequent as they take and prepare for one university's exam after the next.

This being my third year, I've seen and experienced it to some degree with the students that have graduated before, but this year, this is my babies' year. My favored 35HR, whom I will always still think of as 15HR. I know that as a teacher, you're not supposed to have favorites, but this class, this is the one that I felt I grew up with. They were the first Japanese students I met and taught.

I still remember how nervous I was as I headed up to the mountains of Yamanashi-ken for our English Summer Camp. I'd been in Japan less than a month and my mind was still adjusting to the NEWNESS of it all, and trying to grasp that I was A TEACHER. I didn't feel like I was. I certainly didn't think of myself as one. But my students made me feel at ease and I immediately welcomed them into my life, my heart.

It feels a bit odd to not be leaving the school with them. I feel that I've learned and struggled in my time at Ihara right along with them. Watching them grow up, grow older, GROW has been one of the most defining things in my experience at Ihara. It is with great sadness that I will watch them leave, but also with great pride and belief in them and their bright futures.

My one consolation for staying behind is that, as graduates, I can more freely hang out with them out of the strict confines of high school. I hope that some of them at least remember me; I know I will never forget them.

I say Hello, You say Goodbye: Retroactive Post

Leaving right before the end of the term has thrown my schedule off completely. I'm finally getting back into the swing of things and with that has come the realization that many of my good friends are leaving.

I'm having to make plans to see people before they go, and realizing that they're going to be the last times that I will see them, maybe for years, maybe forever. It's leaving me a bit shell-shocked. Granted, the experience of last year has prepared me a bit more, and I feel genuinely happy for my friends that have decided to move on. I know that they're doing it for so many good reasons and that they feel like they've gotten what they wanted or can out of Japan.

It's interesting when I compare that to my own feelings about this country, this job, this life, and feel completely the opposite. I've decided to stay because of that reason exactly. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get my fill. Well, I've got another year to find out.

Mid-Winter Blues: Retroactive Post

Maybe it's something about the snow, or the cold, or wanting to stay in and revel in the warmth...but winter, a real winter, seems to bring out an overwhelming sense of nostalgia and the need to reminisce, and of course following that line of thinking in time and inevitably wondering about the future. Leaving Sapporo yesterday morning, I was struck by that sense of natsukashii (nostalgia) as we made our way via train of course, from Sapporo station to Chitose airport. Looking out over land, trees, houses, cars, everything until the horizon, covered in snow, I couldn't help but remember the only other time in my life when I spent a winter like that.

It was when I was interning at the legislature and living down in Olympia. It was my first time living away from my family, and I was renting a room out of this woman's house, along with two other UW Asian girls, Sunny and Mary. Our landlady was awesome, our rent was really cheap and she pretty much let us have the run of the house. Sunny and Mary were great roommates, we got along on pretty much everything including a requisite love of good cheese, though they did force me from the kitchen the mornings that they made their tuna-fish sandwiches...

My family helped me move my stuff down earlier in the day, and then Sunny arrived in the afternoon. We had a fun time trekking to the capitol in our landlady's sons' old-school snow pants, as we were petite Asian girls and they were tall, tall boys. Mary arrived the next day and by then, there was lots of snow already on the ground. I remember our mornings checking how our outfits looked with one another and trading clothes or shoes when necessary. I also remember staying up late into the night with them making frosting and cookies from scratch to make heart-shaped cookie sandwiches to give out to people all over the campus for Valentine's Day.

I miss them and I miss that time in my life and this then led me to thinking about other people that I miss. Staying up with the girls to make cookies reminds me of staying up with Albert one night to make lumpia or something for one of our classes last year. And trekking to the capitol reminds me of trekking with him over the bridge to Fuji city in the middle of a winter night and getting midnight ramen. Traveling with Travis made me miss traveling with Sean-kun and his seemingly endless knowledge of Japanese festivals and souvenirs. Walking around Akihabara and going to Mexican for dinner last night reminded me of doing the same thing with Sean, nearly a year ago. Some bands were playing music up on one of the giant snow sculpture stages in Odori Park, and two of them sang songs that Brian from Hawaii used to sing at karaoke.

Remembering all these people that have gone before, and realizing that I'll have to say goodbye to even more this summer is beginning to be really hard. The people that I hang out with most frequently, Rebecca, Pin and the Shimiz crew, Louise, Amir and the Numazu peeps, are all going. Even Travis is still unsure about whether he's going to be here for another year, and if he is, where he'll be and what that might mean for us. He could move even farther away than he already is. He could stay and maybe miserable for another year and the continuous long-distance travel could start to put a strain on our relationship.

But, I decided to re-contract knowing that all of that might be a possibility, that our relationship could end depending on our separate decisions. And I guess that's what it all comes down to and what Pin had to remind me of after Albert and Sean left: They made the decision to go back for their own reasons and ultimately they're happier, and as their friend, I should be happy for them. So, I'll gaman and try, though I can't promise I won't shed a few tears along the way.

The one silver lining in all of this, well apart from getting to live in Japan for one more year and seeing my 15HR graduate, is that if all of my gaijin friends leave, I'll probably hang out with my Japanese friends more and hopefully improve my Japanese. So we'll see.

J'aime mes étudiants: Retroactive Post

I had a sorta crappy day at work yesterday, mostly because I had my last class with 25HR for the school year, but rather than feeling a sense of closure, it felt anti-climactic, disingenuous, and ultimately unsatisfying. But today more than made up for it, when I got back my ninensei students' last assignments. I had wanted them to either write an essay in English or make a poster about their reflections and memories of this last school year and their goals for the next one, and they just blew me away. Sure, the English isn't perfect, but these kids are absolutely amazing. It makes me happy to know that I'm was their teacher. Now, on to the next set of kids...