Space and Perspective: Retroactive Post

I began our break thinking: This is about giving him time to see if he can commit to me, and that maybe we need this because we need to do something different. Haven't we spent enough time thinking, talking, waiting? Maybe action is what we need. After all, it's been a year since he first got here.

Then my thoughts became: Oh god, three months is a long time. What if he finds someone new? What if he was right and this really is the end? despite my natural optimism that if we're really meant to be, if we're really as good for each other as I think we are, it will work out and we WILL be together.

Which led to: I miss him. I don't want to do this. I can't do this for three months. This sucks, and I can't think of anything else except for him and how I'm not going to have any of those moments with him for a long time.

After emails of articles that I probably shouldn't have sent, for the simple reason that I had to question my intentions for doing so (something which he later called me on), and him contacting me online after days spent hoping/dreading that I would see him, I sent out an SOS to my friend Vandy.

Talking with her finally made me realize that this break is really about him and completely changed my perspective about it. I am finally okay with giving him space because I'm seeing him like a friend for the first time. I really do care about him, maybe even love him, but because of that I can let him go, for his own good.

I've underestimated how much living in Japan has taken its toll on him. All of my efforts have served to do the opposite of what I intended. I know that he hasn't wanted to treat me like a crutch, he is really independent and for all that I offer to help, it doesn't. Because that's not what he needs.

He just needs to know that I'm here for him if he needs me, but not to press it on him. That was what he meant about wanting me to sit there, or hold him and not say anything. All of his energy has gone into dealing with Japan, and he doesn't have anything left for me, which is why he hasn't been able to give me more, why he thinks that he CAN'T give me more.

I've realized that this all has more to do with him and Japan and not me, not us. It's not US that's the problem: it's US in JAPAN. He's tried to tell me that, but I haven't been able to understand, or maybe I've just thought that he hasn't had the balls to tell me he doesn't really want to be with me, that he's just been using Japan as an excuse.

Which is why, I've come to the point that even if he doesn't want to be with me in three months, if he really can't, I'm all right with that. I want him to be happy, I want to give him the time and the space to really develop a life here, one that he's happy with, one that doesn't frustrate him because he feels more like a child and instead of an adult.

Maybe that's the resentment that I've been sensing. It's resentment, as if my help is more like condescension. Vandy said that maybe we both need to learn from one another, to learn how to deal with solving problems in a different way, and that maybe he needs to learn a little from me about talking about them, and I need to learn a little from him about being more patient.

So on that note, I think I'm ready. Ready to wait, to REALLY wait for him, because I think he's worth it. I just hope that he realizes that he is too.

America’s Angry Inch: Retroactive Post

Prompted by my visit to Chika's home in Tsushima for the first time this weekend, I had a revelation about yet another difference between Japanese and American culture. It started like this (it started like that, it started with a wiffle ball bat, so....no, j/k).

Actually, Chika first showed me her short films from when she was in the US. It's really inspiring to see a friend sharing their talent with you. I hope to see more of her work someday, when she gets back to it. One in particular stuck with me: her final film titled 'the diary'. It was about a boy whom you're led to think is crazy since he believes in a Pink-cloud Monster and an ominous Black Cloud that takes away his love. In the end however, he takes control of his life and decides that it is what he wants it to be, that he is the person that he chooses to be and is re-united with his beloved.

After this, Chika put on Hedwig and the Angry Inch, a movie that I've seen parts of when I was younger and that I've known about since childhood, but haven't ever watched. It was surprisingly one of the most entertaining movies I've seen in a while. Basically, it's about an East German tansgender rock star and her trials in love.

Later in the evening, we got back from the Tsushima matsuri and headed to Tsutaya for a couple of movies. While trying to choose movies, we got into discussing why Japanese peoples' taste in movies differs so greatly from American tastes. Chika said that most Japanese people don't understand her movies because they're very 'American'. I tried to figure out what that meant...I knew that they were different, but in what ways exactly?

I think that it has to do with identity. American movies focus on so many different '-isms': sexism, racism, classism, etc...Why is that? Because we seek to define ourselves. Hedwig was a perfect example of this. As individuals we plumb what we are not, in order to find what we are. I think that this is inextricably connected to our identity as Americans. We don't have one. We have many. We're allowed to have many. This is one of America's greatest strengths, but this is also why we have so much uncertainty in our lives. We don't know what we're supposed to be, because society tells us we can be anything, that we are everything.

Japanese movies on the other hand, and most Asian movies, tend to be very sentimental, full of drama and emotions and love, etc...Something most Americans find a bit overdone, but which makes sense when you think about how they lack this need to define themselves. Eastern countries have such an extended history, a history that provides so many rules about what people should do and how they should behave. It's something that you have to be here to really experience how fundamental this is to its citizens. Japanese people are JAPANESE. This embodies many things, and I don't mean to say that there aren't some black sheep in the bunch, but when it comes down to it, if you're Japanese, that's what you are. It permeates your individual identity so thoroughly, it doesn't really occur to them that it could be different.

This unconscious awareness is something we sorely lack as Americans. Our nation is so young, by international standards, and we're not a mono-culture. We pride and prize our pluralism, our multi-culturalism, our salad bowl of a country. That's one thing I've learned after living abroad for so long: neither is right or wrong, better or worse, they're simply just...different.

I say Hello, You say Goodbye: Retroactive Post

Leaving right before the end of the term has thrown my schedule off completely. I'm finally getting back into the swing of things and with that has come the realization that many of my good friends are leaving.

I'm having to make plans to see people before they go, and realizing that they're going to be the last times that I will see them, maybe for years, maybe forever. It's leaving me a bit shell-shocked. Granted, the experience of last year has prepared me a bit more, and I feel genuinely happy for my friends that have decided to move on. I know that they're doing it for so many good reasons and that they feel like they've gotten what they wanted or can out of Japan.

It's interesting when I compare that to my own feelings about this country, this job, this life, and feel completely the opposite. I've decided to stay because of that reason exactly. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get my fill. Well, I've got another year to find out.

Summer in the City: Retroactive Post

Wow, I can't believe that I finally get to spend some summertime in the city of my childhood, after deploring how I only get to visit it at the worst time of the year, weather-wise. Unfortunately, I guess I should've checked the weather forecast before I headed out here, since it was cold and showering when I got in a couple of days ago...rain, in Seattle...Go figure. I think what surprised me was less that it was showering, because it's been showering on and off in Shiz for the last month, but that it's COLD here. That and I was coming from Gunma, where, at 5,000ft about sea level, the daytime was clear, blue and quite sunny.

Tonight was the first time I got to go out into the city since I've been back, and of course, who did I go with, but my partner in crime Patrick. We headed over to Bahama Breeze in Southcenter after he got off work in the evening and had a Caribbean dinner of habanero-spiced chicken wings and filet mignon for me and Jerk-rubbed chicken breast for Pat. It was SOOO good to have food that was flavorful, spicy and fruity in a way that you can only find in tropical island cuisine. That and the authentic mojito I had along with dinner was a perfect start to a cool summer evening.

We then drove up to our favorite late-night cafe, the B&O. I've made it a point to stop off there every time I'm in town. This time we had kahlua-spiked mochas and I indulged in some chocolate-y, liquered mousse for dessert. The rest of the time, we spent catching up about what's been going on in each of our lives, and some of the people in them. For me, Travis of course, as well as Luther, JTEs and other ALT friends.

I told Pat that Seattle's best feature and what I love and miss most about it is that, when I go back, it's not like Luther going back to Minnesota: I'm not just met with white people. I go to Seattle and I see, especially coming from southern Seattle, people of all different ethnicities and nationalities. I see people of black, Asian, Latin American, Native American descent, mixed in with all the Caucasians, not to mention all the people that are halfs, quarters, etc... it's great to see so many people of different cultural backgrounds in the same place.

I've forgotten that everywhere is not like Japan. You don't just have a homogenous society in which everyone else that's not Japanese is just a 'gaijin', foreigner. But like I also told Patrick, while I love Seattle still and would love to live here, I don't want to live in America, and unfortunately living in Seattle would constitute living in America, which is something that I'm not prepared to do yet.

Pat and I talked about all the traveling we might be doing over the next year and in the future: him coming out to visit me in Japan; going to the PI with Chris and Char, though later talking about the possibility of going to the UK instead; Huong and him moving out to Spain or somewhere in Europe; Travis and I eventually following suit in France, and maybe at some later stage, going across the Atlantic and checking out life in the Big Apple.

I'm not yet 25, and I know that I have so much more of my life ahead of me, but the thought of cutting my time short in Japan, cutting the life that encourages me to stay young and (maybe a bit irresponsible) un-rooted and free, in turn cuts me to the core.

I think I've realized one thing over the last couple of days that's made me take a look at why I've been so determined to keep my being in town a secret: not only do I not want to get into the details about my dad with people, but I don't want to be place myself in the situation where I'm with people that won't understand me making comparisons between Japan and America, between Shizuoka and Seattle. In some ways, maybe that's why I don't talk to my sister as much over the last couple of visits. Maybe I'm starting to realize that what annoys me about Americans in Japan saying they want certain things in Japan the way that they would get them if they were in America, might be the way that I talk about Japan while I'm here.

I think I'll make more of a point to be quieter about them. Though the big difference is that, I know that if I had a choice I would go back. I'd head back to Japan in a split-second and that's what ultimately makes me different from the people that complain that it's not like that where they're from, but continue to stay.

Can you walk this way? Talk this way?: Retroactive Post

Over the last couple of days, I've been asked to grade papers for all the English course students. The first years wrote the first drafts of their self-introduction speeches, the second years wrote letters to this woman that they had read about in their textbook and the third years wrote a brief composition in response to whether Japanese people are modest or not. Doing so has given me a better idea of their different English abilities and just the sophistication and growth of thier writing and thoughts.

Another thing that happened yesterday was my main first-year teacher pointed out an observation he had about our English course students. He had expressed concern that their speeches were rather simple, "I was happy." "It was beautiful," but believed that this was simply a result of English being thier second language. However, on the 3 day trip he went with them this week, reading their diaries written in Japanese, the thoughts remained on the same level, thus prompting him to believe that it was rather a lack of writing skills and not language skills. So he wants to work on developing their writing styles this term.

I point this out because it's so different from what the other JTEs seem to be doing with their students; he seems to want to teach them to be learners of English, and not simply learn English. And I'm a bit chagrined to find that he's the one that this is coming from. I feel like it's easy to adapt to the Japanese style of teaching English once you're here, and for him to remind me of that, I feel more inspired to 'rock their worlds.' Today, I really feel like a teacher. It's great. And I'm a bit sad to think about leaving this country and this life.

Facebook: Retroactive Post

This year is now, officially, the Facebook Year. And yes, while I know that it can be sometimes inane and annoying, the last 7 or 8 months that I've been on it have allowed me to keep in contact with people that I likely wouldn't have, and to restore it with people with whom I've lost touch. I've reconnected with one friend whom I haven't spoken to for nearly a decade, and another for about half of that. Not only that, but it has genuinely allowed me to make new friends, something which myspace severely lacks, due to the number of guys that use it as a dating trough. Hard to believe that we once used to live in a world without Facebook. And at least today, I'm glad it's around.

The Way of Tea: Retroactive Post

A few weeks ago, my sado-bu teacher gave me this book and I just started reading it the other day.

The Book of Tea

It's DEEP, in the way that I remember Albert talking about other writings on Asian practices, like Buddhism or Kung Fu. I think I'm finally getting to the point where I'm getting past the superficial layers of this 'hobby' and really getting to the meat of it. It's enlightening and moving in a way that I have found lacking in religion or other spiritual writings.

I certainly don't want to be one of the New Age-y generation that comes from America and falls into "Asia" and takes up tai chi and becomes Buddhist or whatever, but I can see the draw. Living here does change you, in ways more subtle than you realize, and I think that I am certainly the better for it.

It's a tiny book, and one can easily finish it in an hour of reading, but another thing I've learned while in Japan is the value of 'slow' and doing things slowly. This is just the type of thing that deserves to be read and enjoyed and digested (mentally), slowly; that is better for having done so.